honourary human joke

The truth about Italians
Italians have a $40,000 kitchen, but use the $259 stove from Sears that's 20 years old in the basement to cook.

There is some sort of religious statue in the bedroom, hallway,living room, front porch or backyard.

The living room is filled with old Bombonieri.
They are too pretty to open, with poofy fancy bows and stale Almonds.

A portrait of the Pope, La Madonna or Padre Pio in the dining room.

God forbid if anyone EVER attempted to eat Chef Boy-are-dee, Ragu, Prego, Kraft Dinner or anything else that's "PORCHERIA di Mangiacake" in a jar box or can.
UNICO & LANCIA Tomato paste are the ONLY exceptions.

Complaints our parents had about takeout Foods:
Mikkadonalds - too mucha grease "Porcheria"
Chinese Food - they eata the snakes and cats - Schifo"
Pizza Pizza - I can make da same pizza for $2.00 - you pay $20.00!
Greek Food - Too much da salt...makes you drink more vino

The following are Italian Holidays:
March or October weekends are for sausage making
1st weekend in October Grapes for the Wine
July and August - Freeza da fagiolini and piselli
3rd weekend in August - Tomatoes for the sauce.
"EH...no maka no plans we worka in da garage/bassament"

Meatballs are made with Pork, Veal and Beef.
Italians don't care about cholesterol.

Turkey is served on Thanksgiving, AFTER the antipasto, manicotti,gnocchi and lasagna.
Later on we have da Barbaque with da Spiducci and Bistecca.

Sunday dinner was at 1:00 - After da Church (and you better go...God watcha you!)

The meal went like this...
Table is set with everyday dishes
(UNLESS, Zio Luigi is visiting from Italy... then we take out the dishes in the velvet suitcase). Doesn't matter if they don't match...they're clean. What more do you want.

All the utensils go on the right side of the plate and the napkin goes on the left.(Nonno's Fork has been widened to spear more pasta).

Put a clean kitchen towel at Nonno & Papa's plate because they won't use paper napkins. Or they will use the corner of the hanging tablecloth.

Home-made wine in recycled wine bottles with a twist top, and bottles of tap water in recycled plastic bottled water containers with the label worn off are on the table. (Unless Zio Luigi is visiting from Italy....then we use the crystal Carafe)

First course, Antipasto...change plates.
Next, Maccheroni (Nonna called all pasta Maccheroni)...change plates.
After that, roasted Meats, Roasted Potatoes, Overcooked vegetables...change plates.

THEN and only then (NEVER AT THE BEGINNING OF THE MEAL), would you eat the salad(HOMEMADE OIL & VINEGAR (Last years wine DRESSING ONLY)...change plates.

Next, Fruit, Nuts & LUPINI (on paper napkins because you ran out of dishes by now).

Coffee (Espresso for Nonno, "Canadese" coffee for the rest)
Hard cookies with the stale almonds and freezer burn to dip in the coffee.

The kids go play...the men go to lie down. They slept so soundly you could perform brain surgery on them without anaesthesia...

The women clean the kitchen and gossip about "il figlio di Maria" or someone that's dying.

Getting screamed at by Mom or Nonna - Half the sentence in English, the other half in Italian. Italian mothers never threw a baseball in their life, but can nail you in the head with a shoe thrown from the kitchen while you're in the living room.

TIME OUT? That was the "interval in time" that Dad dropped the broomstick and took off his leather belt to beat the crap out of you!

Prom Dress that Zia Caterina made you...$20.00 for material.
Goofy hair-do from Cousin Angela...Free.
Turning around at the prom to see your entire family (including grandparents)standing in the back of the gym...
PRICELESS!

Wedding Day - the more, the merrier (both attending and in the bridal party).

There better be lots of food or Giovanni will complain and then I'ma gonna kill boat you and your spouse.

Baptism - Who's going to be the compari? Not those sciangati gente, they're not going to be able to afford the necklace.

The true Italians will love this; those of you who are married to Italians will understand this, and those of you who are friends with Italians will forward it to them.